If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
