My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
