do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
