i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You dont lie about slip and slides
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.