Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i think i have two assholes
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
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He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
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future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful