what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?