It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
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The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together