News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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