Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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