Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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