note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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