I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize