it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
only you would photoshop your dick
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
