I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
