The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
