I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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