Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Everything about him screamed your future.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
