I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
