Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
