youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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