I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
