Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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