Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
