I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
