You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
