All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
