Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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