you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
