I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
