it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
