Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
