My liver just broke up with me...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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