Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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