you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
