Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
