i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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