Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
