So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
