Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
