I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
