So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
