I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
