dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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