11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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