So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
