I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
