We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
