my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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