I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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