my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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