dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
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I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"