My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS