Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
