help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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