Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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