Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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