I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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