Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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