My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
