I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
