New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
